How To Use No Contact
So lets talk about no contact, also known as the relationship panacea. Why you may ask? Well, simply put, it’s pretty much offered a solution to almost any relationship, dating, sex, ex, foreveralone, etc problem out there. Whether you’re trying to seduce a girl or a guy, or trying to win them back, or trying to get them to know you even exist, there’s always someone who offers you to perfect solution: go no contact. But what does that mean, and how on earth can it possible fix so many dating issues?
What Is No Contact
No Contact isn’t a misnomer. It literally means to cut off all communication with the subject at hand, typically a crush or some other sort of object of your affection. Depending on the context of your relationship, no contact is designed to be extremely malleable, able to be utilized in whatever manner you wish to get the desired effect you want.
The problem is that most people take the term and use it literally, without also implementing the underlying conditions. To cut off all communication with a person conveys the message that you do not need them. This message works to get them to start doubting their own value as well as questioning how much they mean to you. When the mental gymnastics are over, they usually land at the conclusion that someone who didn’t value them quite as highly as they might have assumed might actually be a good person to have in their life, because this person must be of a higher value to be able to quickly terminate a relationship and move on.
In order for the person you’re using no contact on to reach this logical conclusion, it’s best if you actually use no contact to start improving yourself. Most people use NC as a dirty trick (hey, I’m no judge) in order to win over a lover. To strengthen the effect, you should take the time to improve yourself and start becoming the person worth loving that you’re indirectly trying to display yourself as. This means that rather than spending your time on no contact watching Netflix and eating Ice Cream, you might start looking up decent workout routines and diet plans, getting in the shape you’ve always yearned to be in, or improving your practical skills and hobbies (learning yoga, taking up guitar, learning a new language for example).
A lot of people take no contact as a time to win over their crush, to get him or her back, but really it should be used with a focus on YOU, not THEM.
By actively improving yourself while implementing No Contact, you take the facade (this person means a lot to me, but I can do better and I’m not afraid to make that leap) and turn it into reality (now that I can do X and Y, I’ve started to meet a lot of new people and improved my quality of life. Now I no longer need him or her as much as I thought, although I’m willing to give them a second chance).
The difference is huge, but I digress. At its core, no contact is insanely effective whether you use it superficially or as a time to actively improve yourself. Just make sure you tone it for the different goals you’re trying to accomplish, as different rules will yield different results.
Using No Contact in a Break Up
One of the most typical ways you see no contact get mentioned is when people are giving relationship advice to a couple that has just recently broken up. The person who is having the harder time adjusting to the change is typically advised to go no contact, and this is actually pretty effective to get your ex back. You want to go no contact for the exact reason I stated above, to make it seem like you don’t need your ex lover, and that you’ll have no trouble finding someone to replace them.
In this context, you’re likely to receive what I like to call a “tester” message from your ex after a few days or weeks. It’ll be something short, almost criminally short.
Maybe it comes after you post up some pics of you and your friends looking good on Instagram. The power of selfies is real after all. Or maybe it comes out of the blue, when he or she is sitting alone and thinking about the good times. Whatever the reason, it’s important to ignore this text.
The first text (or first few if you really knew your way around the bedroom) is most assuredly going to be bull shit, probably designed to test your resolve with no contact. The worst thing you can do is immediately respond to it, which just validates the sender and reinforces that they were the catch in the relationship, and you couldn’t wait to nibble at what you perceived was a good opportunity for you and your ex to get back together.
The people who fall for this first shallow text are often the same people who go on to tell their story of how “no contact doesn’t work” and “even if she/he contacts you first you won’t last”. You can’t respond to their lowest exertion of effort with getting back together and expect them to value you anymore than they did when you first broke up.
So you maintain it a little longer, and a few days or weeks later (shorter than it took to get the first text post-no-contact) you’ll receive a longer text, probably sincere, with them starting to break down.
“Hey X I know you’re probably really mad at me and I deserve it and I see you’re doing really well on facebook and i just wanted to know if there was any chance of us still being something I really enjoyed the time we spent together…”
This is perfectly fine for you to respond to, as long as you follow quality texting etiquette and respond in a shorter message, preferably more neutral, expressing some light interest in meeting back up or going on a sort of “platonic” date. Of course, that date is only going to be as platonic as you want it to be. But in this context, you have all the power and your ex is trying to get you back into their lives, so when you do agree to meetup go in with this mindset and set the terms. Steer the conversation where you want it to go, whether it’s getting back together with your ex or ending things for good (nicely) .
No Contact During Separation
This is slightly different than no contact for a break up, and needs to be treated as such.
If you initiated the separation:
Keep the no contact to a minimum, but do reduce contact. No contact during a separation you initiated is like saying “I really want this to end but I’m too scared to just outright end it”. At this point your partner’s mind is going crazy, and you not speaking to him or her anymore is going to have them fearing the worst for your relationship status. If you’re some sort of narcissist (still not judging) then go ahead and utilize no contact to its fullest during this split, but I wouldn’t recommend it do to the emotional damage you’re causing.
If they initiated the separation:
Hell yes. Go no contact as hell. At this point, your partner is on the fence about your value but generally leaning towards you not being worth staying in a relationship with. You being unable to find something to occupy your time with while they initiated a separation (and likely went no contact on you) would just validate this idea. So stop talking to him or her, and go out on your own for a while. You need to prove your worth to her or him, but also to yourself. Go find something you used to enjoy and haven’t done in a while. Get crazy, get adventurous. And don’t pick up your phone while you’re doing it. Make him miss you.
No Contact for Seduction
Generally, no contact during the flirting/seduction phase of a relationship is just going to be taken as you being flat out uninterested in the person. But if you two have been flirting for a while, it has some value when things begin to fizzle out and you feel that he is losing interest/she is losing interest in you.
If there’s still some chance of you rekindling the attraction, going no contact and then beginning to play the field (and flirt with other people) may make them realize that you are indeed worth being with. And jealousy is a powerful emotion that will also likely work in your favor – all’s fair in love and war.
The problem with this method is that no contact only works in this case if you’re taking too long to seal the deal with your crush anyway. So while it can work to finally get them to like you and date you, you would be better off in the long run if you just made a definitive move faster in future cases.
How Long Should I Go No Contact?
8 months? 1 week? 6 months? 3 days?
It really depends on context, situation, and the individual that you are not talking to. You want to wait long enough to see sincere, considerable change in their demeanor, attitude, and the way they treat you to know if no contact is working or not. If you’re not satisfied, go no contact longer (maybe for the rest of your life if the relationship is really not going in the direction you desire).
There are a lot of talk of no contact rules, but generally as long as you actively use the time and recognize how to tell bullshit “let’s get back together” texts from sincere ones, you’ll be fine with adjusting rules to your liking – as long as the core “no communication” stays the same. Oh, and for the love of god do not like their posts or retweet their nonsense during it.
No Contact is Killing Me
The harder it is for you to stay no contact, the more I would suggest you need it. If your relationship was completely healthy, you wouldn’t be looking into the rules and guides on no contact in the first place. Something was seriously wrong, and here you are. Realize what needed to be change and determine whether or not you or your partner are willing to fix it up.
Having an unhealthy connection with someone who ultimately isn’t good for you is not what we advocate here, and you should actively fight against reuniting with such a person for your own good. If you need to, stay no contact on them and go full contact with your friends and family (who you may or may not have neglected while in your now failing relationship). Have fun. See the world. Improve yourself.
This is pretty much everything you need to know about the “rules” and conditions of no contact, and how you can use it to benefit your own situation. Go forth, and use this power wisely.